As both the newsletter editor and a regular columnist, I strive to encourage others to contribute to the newsletter. However, since people rarely do what you tell them, and often do just the opposite, I therefore present:
The Top Six Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Write for the Newsletter
- You have nothing interesting or meaningful to write about.
If you wrote something interesting about yourself, your work, or our profession in general, it would mean that you had a unique experience or viewpoint that would be worth sharing. You certainly wouldn’t want to admit that.
- People might think you are strange. It’s important to spend your life worrying about what other people think about you. One should always strive to be the type of person others expect you to be, rather than who you are as an individual. Of course, this can be a problem if you have a wide variety of friends, but the solution is simple – don’t have any friends. Alternatively, you can simply bend yourself into a pretzel to match others’ expectations of you. The last thing you want to be called is weird, strange, odd or eccentric.
- You don’t want the publicity or the chance for your work to be attacked.
I myself am getting attacked constantly. Just the other day, a group of angry tech writers tried to lynch me because they said I was using too many nouns. Tech writers are certainly notorious for their violence throughout the ages – we all shudder when remembering “Ivan the Terrible Tech Writer”.
- If you write an article, you will have to write one each and every month.
As the Newsletter Editor, I am also commander-in-chief of the Communication Times goon squad. This is a gang of 6-8 very large tech writers who live in caves and come out at night to harass and beat senseless all writers who do not commit to me in blood to write an article each month.
- It will take time away from your other important activities. Here are some important tasks you would have to cut down on if you wrote from the newsletter:
- watching Star Trek reruns
- eating large quantities of potato chips
- picking the skin between your toes
- reading People magazine
- watching sporting events
So there you have it – the six reasons why you should not write for the newsletter. Therefore, I beg you, please, do not email me your article ideas.