Movements to insanity

If there’s one name that’s synonymous with chess, it’s Bobby Fischer. Although he was an exceptional player, there were others who could have beat him if they’d been given the chance, but he refused to play them. Why then is Fisher so associated with chess? He’ll certainly be remembered for defeating the Soviets at a game they dominated for decades. However, he’ll also be remembered for the same reason the Titanic is associated with ocean liners and the Challenger with space shuttles: they were all disasters and we tend to remember disasters more than successes.

I recently read Endgame: Bobby Fischer’s Remarkable Rise and Fall – from America’s Brightest Prodigy to the Edge of Madness. The title neatly summarizes the book: a fascinating but ultimately dismal story of a man who was brilliant at chess but little else.

Born in Chicago into a family of modest means and growing up in Brooklyn, Fischer had a troubled upbringing. Abandoned by his father, his mother often struggling to make ends meet, chess became a refuge for him as a child. He quickly rose through the chess ranks, reaching a pinnacle with his historic defeat of his nemesis Boris Spassky at the 1972 World Chess Champion in Reykjavík, Iceland.

With his remarkable success, Fischer instantly became a world-wide celebrity. However, his stubbornness and perfectionism led to his downfall. He rejected many endorsements that today would be worth almost $30 million U.S. Having achieved his dream to be world champion, he’d given no thought to what would happen afterwards. With no clear goal in life, he drifted aimlessly.

Living near poverty and surviving on the kindness of others, in 1992 he played a rematch against Spassky in the former Yugoslavia. The game brought about the wrath of the U.S. government who charged him with breaking the sanctions against Yugoslavia, in place due to the Bosnian War. He was briefly detained in Japan but eventually found refuge in Iceland, which took pity on him and allowed him to settle there.

Most likely schizophrenic, Fischer’s mind continued to deteriorate. His delusional and paranoid antisemitic railings and his joy over the September 11, 2001 attacks were further signs of his disturbed mind. Unfortunately for Fischer, paranoia, often a symptom of schizophrenia, is infused into chess. Each player has no way of knowing what their opponent intends to do. Paranoia is constructive in chess but destructive in the real world.

Other chess players who suffered from mental illness include:

  • Russian Soviet grandmaster Viktor Korchnoi: claimed he played a dead man
  • Polish chess grandmaster Akiba Rubinstein: suffered from schizophrenia; jumped out a window because he thought a fly was chasing him
  • Austrian Chess master Wilhelm Steinitz: claimed to have played God through a wireless connection, and won

Perhaps most similar to Fischer was U.S. chess champion Paul Morphy. Only a few years after winning the world championship in 1858 at age 21, he wandered the streets, aimlessly muttering to himself. Like Fischer, Morphy was probably schizophrenic; was a genius who stopped playing at the height of his career; spent the rest of his life in obscurity, and died relatively young.

The obvious question is: does chess cause mental illness or attract those who have it? The answer may be both. Of course most chess players are mentally sound. However, some people who have difficulty relating to others and who are quirky, obstinate and somewhat autistic may be attracted to the game, viewing it as an escape from the real world.

Quirky individuals have also been attracted to the computer and software industries. Chess and computers have similar qualities: both are logical, abstract, systematic, unemotional entities that do not criticize or judge.

Chess, like computers, is binary. You either win or lose a tournament (although you can win, lose or draw a specific game.) The building blocks of chess (the squares) are black and white. The building blocks of computers are zeroes and ones. There are 64 squares on the chessboard, or 26. All computing storage is also measured in exponents of 2, for example, 1 megabyte equals 220 bytes.

Life, however, is non-binary; it is full of uncertainty and doubt. People who see the world in black and white (as Fischer did), are blind to the many shades of grey in between, and colour blind to all else.

Fischer’s downfall teaches us that technical skill alone is not enough to succeed. Many highly technical people fail because they don’t have the mental skills needed in the business world, including: empathy, social skills, personal communication, the ability to work with others, open-mindedness, positivity, listening ability, professionalism, dependability and flexibility.

These skills are called “soft skills”, in contrast to “hard skills”, the technical skills such as computer programming or accounting. The irony is that for many people, the “hard” skills are easy and the “soft” skills are hard. The way to improve soft skills is no different than improving the hard ones – practice and experience. A person who finds it difficult to interact with others must practice interacting with others. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s through discomfort that we grow.

Fisher died in 2008 from degenerative kidney failure, after earlier refusing medication and treatment. He was 64, one year for each square on the chess board.

It’s easy to see how chess can drive someone with an underlying mental condition like Fischer over the brink. The first two moves of a game have 400 possible combinations. That number grows exponentially after each move. The total number of possible moves (excluding those that wouldn’t make sense) is 1040, which looks like this:

10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000

This number is 10,000 trillion trillion trillion, about the number of atoms in the solar system.

To play chess is to play at the edge of a black hole; to play with infinity; to play, as Wilhelm Steinitz claimed, with God almighty.

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Occupation: Moonshot

1Fifty years ago, man walked on the moon. This project was the most complex technological feat at the time. Over 400,000 people worked with 20,000 companies and universities at a cost of $153 billion US in today’s dollars. Sadly, it also cost the lives of 8 astronauts: 3 killed during the Apollo 1 flight test; 5 others perishing in training crashes.

Although the term astronaut has existed since the 1930s, it wasn’t until 1950 with the creation of the International Astronautical Congress that it began to represent an actual occupation. That is, it was not until 1950 that anyone could envision a technology that would allow people to fly into outer space. Space travel didn’t exist, but the idea of it did. The creation of the astronaut occupation preceded the technology required to make it possible.

The fact that occupations can be defined before they exist is important when trying to determine jobs of the future. One obvious method is to do what was done in the past: recognize emerging technologies then create occupations for these technologies.

Some of today’s emerging technologies are:

  • Artificial Intelligence (AI) – machines that can think, reason and converse at the same level as a human
  • Genetic Medicine – creating tailor-made treatments for each patient’s DNA
  • Fusion Energy – harnessing energy by merging atoms together
  • Nanotechnology – manipulating matter on the atomic scale
  • Quantum Computing – computing technology with the potential to be billions of times more powerful than today’s supercomputers

Because these areas are still highly experimental, extensive job opportunities won’t be available for some time. It was over 10 years between the creation of astronaut as an occupation and the year that a person (Yuri Gagarin) first went into space. As the saying goes: some things are difficult to predict, especially the future. There’s no way of knowing exactly what kinds of skills will be required in these complex areas, because these fields are still extreme works in progress.

What’s needed today is a way to determine new occupations based on current ones. There are three techniques for accomplishing this:

  1. Randomization
  2. Meta-occupations
  3. Extreme specialization

Randomization involves combining the two parts that comprise any occupation title: the Profession and the Field.

The Profession is exactly that: a specific job. Common examples include:

  1. 2Accountant
  2. Administrator
  3. Analyst
  4. Architect
  5. Communicator
  6. Designer
  7. Engineer
  8. Entrepreneur
  9. Healthcare Provider (including doctors, dentists & nurses)
  10. Instructor
  11. Lawyer
  12. Manager
  13. Programmer
  14. Scientist

The Field is the general area or industry that the Profession applies to. Major fields are:

  1. Educational
  2. Environmental
  3. Financial
  4. Industrial
  5. Legal
  6. Medical
  7. Scientific
  8. Social
  9. Software
  10. Technical

We can combine these 14 professions and 10 fields and generate the following 140 different titles: (Warning: This is a long list, but would be even longer if we were to add additional professions and fields.)

  1. Educational Accountant
  2. Educational Administrator
  3. Educational Analyst
  4. Educational Architect
  5. Educational Communicator
  6. Educational Designer
  7. Educational Engineer
  8. Educational Entrepreneur
  9. Educational Healthcare Provider
  10. Educational Instructor
  11. Educational Lawyer
  12. Educational Manager
  13. Educational Programmer
  14. Educational Scientist
  15. Environmental Accountant
  16. Environmental Administrator
  17. Environmental Analyst
  18. Environmental Architect
  19. Environmental Communicator
  20. Environmental Designer
  21. Environmental Engineer
  22. Environmental Entrepreneur
  23. Environmental Healthcare Provider
  24. Environmental Instructor
  25. Environmental Lawyer
  26. Environmental Manager
  27. Environmental Programmer
  28. Environmental Scientist
  29. Financial Accountant
  30. Financial Administrator
  31. Financial Analyst
  32. Financial Architect
  33. Financial Communicator
  34. Financial Designer
  35. Financial Engineer
  36. Financial Entrepreneur
  37. Financial Healthcare Provider
  38. Financial Instructor
  39. Financial Lawyer
  40. Financial Manager
  41. Financial Programmer
  42. Financial Scientist
  43. Industrial Accountant
  44. Industrial Administrator
  45. Industrial Analyst
  46. Industrial Architect
  47. Industrial Communicator
  48. Industrial Designer
  49. Industrial Engineer
  50. Industrial Entrepreneur
  51. Industrial Healthcare Provider
  52. Industrial Instructor
  53. Industrial Lawyer
  54. Industrial Manager
  55. Industrial Programmer
  56. Industrial Scientist
  57. Legal Accountant
  58. Legal Administrator
  59. Legal Analyst
  60. Legal Architect
  61. Legal Communicator
  62. Legal Designer
  63. Legal Engineer
  64. Legal Entrepreneur
  65. Legal Healthcare Provider
  66. Legal Instructor
  67. Legal Lawyer
  68. Legal Manager
  69. Legal Programmer
  70. Legal Scientist
  71. Medical Accountant
  72. Medical Administrator
  73. Medical Analyst
  74. Medical Architect
  75. Medical Communicator
  76. Medical Designer
  77. Medical Engineer
  78. Medical Entrepreneur
  79. Medical Healthcare Provider
  80. Medical Instructor
  81. Medical Lawyer
  82. Medical Manager
  83. Medical Programmer
  84. Medical Scientist
  85. Scientific Accountant
  86. Scientific Administrator
  87. Scientific Analyst
  88. Scientific Architect
  89. Scientific Communicator
  90. Scientific Designer
  91. Scientific Engineer
  92. Scientific Entrepreneur
  93. Scientific Healthcare Provider
  94. Scientific Instructor
  95. Scientific Lawyer
  96. Scientific Manager
  97. Scientific Programmer
  98. Scientific Scientist
  99. Social Accountant
  100. Social Administrator
  101. Social Analyst
  102. Social Architect
  103. Social Communicator
  104. Social Designer
  105. Social Engineer
  106. Social Entrepreneur
  107. Social Healthcare Provider
  108. Social Instructor
  109. Social Lawyer
  110. Social Manager
  111. Social Programmer
  112. Social Scientist
  113. Software Accountant
  114. Software Administrator
  115. Software Analyst
  116. Software Architect
  117. Software Communicator
  118. Software Designer
  119. Software Engineer
  120. Software Entrepreneur
  121. Software Healthcare Provider
  122. Software Instructor
  123. Software Lawyer
  124. Software Manager
  125. Software Programmer
  126. Software Scientist
  127. Technical Accountant
  128. Technical Administrator
  129. Technical Analyst
  130. Technical Architect
  131. Technical Communicator
  132. Technical Designer
  133. Technical Engineer
  134. Technical Entrepreneur
  135. Technical Healthcare Provider
  136. Technical Instructor
  137. Technical Lawyer
  138. Technical Manager
  139. Technical Programmer
  140. Technical Scientist

Many of these occupations exist today, including Industrial Designer and Software Engineer. Some need imagination to envision: an Industrial Communicator could be someone who specializes in communicating complex industrial concepts to a specific industry.

At first glance, some of these occupations seem to contain fields that are redundant to their profession, specifically:

  • Educational Instructor
  • Financial Accountant
  • Legal Lawyer
  • Medical Healthcare Provider
  • Scientific Scientist

Aren’t all instructors Educational Instructors? Aren’t all accountants Financial Accountants? All lawyers work in the legal profession, all Healthcare Providers work in the medical field, and all scientists are scientific. There seems to be no need to include the field for these job titles, unless you consider these meta occupations.

A meta occupation is one where the skills and knowledge of the profession are applied to the profession itself, including servicing others in that profession using those skills.

Returning to the examples above:

  • 1An Educational Instructor is an instructor who teaches others how to teach.
  • A Financial Accountant is an accountant who provides accounting services to other accountants.
  • A Legal Lawyer is a lawyer who represents other lawyers, including lawyers that sue other lawyers.
  • A Medical Healthcare Provider could be a psychiatrist that specializes in treating other psychiatrists.
  • A Scientific Scientist could be a scientist who uses the scientific method to study science itself or other scientists.

A meta occupation is an example of extreme specialization, that is, a career or job title that is a specialty within a specialty. By adding additional layers to the job titles created, we can create evermore specialized fields, such as:

  • Medical Software Designer
  • Financial Communication Manager
  • Industrial Design Lawyer

There’s practically no limit to the number of occupations that can be created, all of which fall under existing technologies.

As the world’s population increases and technology advances, more highly specialized occupations will be required. The journey in discovering which one fits you will be your own personal moonshot.

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A Technical Communication Occupation

The Occupy Movement hurtles towards its expected demise. With the Occupiers (a.k.a. urban campers) now evicted from their various parks, this movement is headed the way of the hippies. As New York City mayor Bloomberg eloquently stated: “Protesters have had two months to occupy the park with tents and sleeping bags. Now they will have to occupy the space with the power of their arguments.” What they shall they do to occupy their time?

Has the Occupy movement had any effect? As the Premier of China said when asked in the 1970s about the effect of the French Revolution 100 years prior: “It is too soon to tell.”

Still, there’s lessons to be learned from this movement for technical communicators:

Lesson #1: No leader, no way

Without a leader, a group cannot succeed. The Occupy movement prided itself on having no leader, thereby laboriously deciding everything by committee. Everyone was a leader, so no one was leading. A group with no leader has no future, because there is no one with the vision, authority and responsibility to move the group toward its goals.

That is why every documentation team must have a leader, someone who can guide, enhance and develop the group. With no leader, there is no place for the group to go but off into the various directions each communicator wants to take it. With no leader, there is no way.

Lesson #2: Pursue clarity

The Occupiers had too many demands, and the ones they had were vague, among others: a redistribution of wealth, the restructuring or elimination of capitalism, world peace, a change in the system of government, and protecting the environment. Exactly what the protestors thought each of these entailed and exactly how they were to be implemented is not clear.

Clarity is the essence of effective technical communication. If your documentation is not clear, then you are not clear. If you cannot explain to a stranger a topic you have written, then you are a stranger to clarity.

Go clear, or, like the occupiers, go home.

Lesson #3: Ask Hard Questions

When evaluating news stories such as this, we must do what technical communicators do best: ask what the real, practical effects are.

Regarding the recent evictions, there were only two possibilities before they occurred:

  1. The occupiers would all be evicted, destroying or least severely weakening the movement. Without a physical presence, there is no mental presence. This is exactly what is happening.
  2. The occupiers would be allowed to stay. If this had happened, then the worst thing that could have happened to the movement would have happened: the public would have become used to it. When people get use to something, they forget it, until the NBT (Next Big Thing) comes along.

Now, when evaluating the contents of the document and the document management process, we must ask the same hard questions:

  • Does this make sense?
  • What is the practical value here?
  • What are the logical outcomes of the various choices we can make?

 When evaluating the contents of a document, we ask:

  • What does this contribute to others?
  • Is there a better way to express this?
  • What is missing here?
  • Is anyone really going to care about this?

Similar tough questions need to be asked when looking at the process by which the documentation is created, reviewed, updated and managed:

  • Is there a better way?
  • How can we manage this document more effectively?
  • What are our options, and what is the potential outcome of each?

Companies often fall into a trap of producing poor documents or having poor documentation processes. Their response is often: “That’s how we’ve always done it,” to which our response should be: “Well then, you have always done it wrong.” Another excuse is: “That’s how other groups do it,” to which we respond: “Those other groups are also wrong.”

To effect change, you need to have COP: Creativity, Objectivity, and Perseverance. Specifically, the only way to bring about change in a document or the documentation development process is to be (in this order):

  • ruthlessly objective of the current state
  • incredibly creative when offering the solution
  • mercilessly persistent in actually fixing it

About one in a hundred technical communicators have these three traits.

Are you one of the 1%?

How do you like them Apples?

Image result for Steve Jobs logo

The world is mourning the death of Steve Jobs, founder of Apple. He has been hailed, quite rightly, as a creative genius, a brilliant and revolutionary designer, and a bold visionary who completely transformed the world of personal technology. (Full disclosure – my first computer was an Apple IIc, way back in 1985. It was also my last.)

As brilliant as Jobs was, he was also stubborn, arrogant, and an extremely demanding perfectionist who was openly abusive towards his employees. In fact, his arrogance and hubris probably killed him. He refused medical treatment for nine months, insisting on treating his cancer with diet, acupuncture, herbal remedies and a psychic. This delay most likely shortened his life.

Jobs was influenced by Buddhism, which explores the connection between mind, body, and soul. Given how cruel he could be to others, and his frequent violent rages, one could say he had a “cancer of the soul”. Buddhism suggests that a disease of the soul can morph into a disease of the body. It’s a medical fact that some diseases have a psychological basis. Whether this was the case for Jobs, we will never know, for he now resides in the iCloud.

(Speaking of life and death, we now know why Apple devices don’t have an on-off switch. Jobs felt that an off switch represented death. It symbolized for him the terrifying prospect that we’re all machines that simply “power off” at the end of our lives.)

These observations are not meant to criticize or judge, but to point out that no-one is perfect, and that there is more to a person than their technical abilities.

An Untechnical Communicator
A technical communicator may be a technical genius, like Jobs. They may have extensive experience managing a wide variety of complex documentation, thorough knowledge of all the major tools, and can speak twelve languages, human and computer. But if that person comes across as arrogant, obnoxious, highly critical of others and emotionally unintelligent, they will not succeed at job interviews. Even if they do land a job, they may have a tough time keeping it. Jobs himself was fired from Apple, and it was a long road back for him to regain control.

I’ve had the misfortune of knowing a few individuals like these. In the end, they either change or they go, or else every who works for them goes!

All of this means that you can win a job in an interview even if you are not the most technically qualified. The truth is that most software apps can be learned in about a week or two. The more difficult skills to acquire are non-technical:

  • interviewing and listening
  • working well with others
  • oral communication/public speaking
  • time and project management
  • negotiating
  • teaching
  • planning
  • objectivity, seeing the “big picture”
  • being open to criticism
  • handling change, conflict and stress
  • creativity, flexibility and adaptability

If you can show that you have these skills, and a genuine passion for the job, this will greatly increase your chances of getting it.

Research? We don’t need no stinkin’ research!
It’s interesting to note that Apple conducted no market research – no focus groups, no interviewing, no surveys – nothing. They simply designed products that they thought were cool and useful, then unleashed them on the public.

This seems to contradict to one of the tenets of our profession: to actively design with the end user in mind based on their needs and wants. Presumably, this involves working directly with our readers and having them test our documentation to see if it’s useful.

The problem is that we often don’t have the resources to do this. The good news is that we don’t have to, for reasons that are similar to those at Apple.

Users ‘R Us
The fact is – we are users. We should have a good idea of the kinds of information our users want, and the way it should be presented.

When you need information, you want it to be clear, understandable, and easy to find and use. That is precisely what our users want.

Jobs believed it was meaningless to ask customers what they wanted because they didn’t know what they wanted! This was true because the products Apple created were so different from anything that the users had previously experienced. How could users be asked about something for which they had no form of reference?

In many cases, our customers may not know exactly what information they are looking for. The example I always like to give involves the mail merge process.

That Mail Merge Thingamabob
If you were documenting the mail merge process for a novice user who had never even heard of it, you couldn’t simply create a topic called Mail Merging, with a corresponding mail merging index entry. Instead, you’d need to think about all the ways a user could refer to what they want to do, and then frame the topic accordingly.

For example, you might title the topic: Creating Multiple Personalized Copies of Letters and Other Documents or Personalizing a Document that is Sent to Several People. Your index entries could include:

  • addressing one document to several people
  • copies of one document, customizing
  • customizing a document to be sent to several people
  • different names, entering on a document for several people
  • documents, individually addressing to several people
  • mailings, sending customized documents to several people
  • mass mailings, performing
  • multiple copies of a document, personalizing for each person
  • names, changing each on several copies of one document
  • personalizing one document sent to several people
  • sending one document to several people
  • single documents, changing the name on several copies of
  • specifying different names on several copies of one document

You should be able to develop an extensive list of index entries like this without having to ask the user first.

But take great care with each entry – because one bad Apple can ruin the whole bunch.

An Echo from History

Related imageOne of Sting’s finest songs is Children’s Crusade – his haunting lament on the follies of war, specifically, the First World War.

Here are the relevant lyrics:

Young men, and soldiers, Nineteen Fourteen
Marching through countries they’d never seen
Virgins with rifles, a game of charades
All for a Children’s Crusade

Pawns in the game are not victims of chance
Strewn on the fields of Belgium and France
Poppies for young men, death’s bitter trade
All of those young lives betrayed

The children of England would never be slaves
They’re trapped on the wire and dying in waves
The flower of England face down in the mud
And stained in the blood of a whole generation

Corpulent generals safe behind lines
History’s lessons drowned in red wine
Poppies for young men, death’s bitter trade
All of those young lives betrayed
All for a Children’s Crusade

This wonderful and majestic piece sounds as fresh today as it did when it was released in 1985.

Although more people died in the Second World War than the first, in many ways, the First World War was more horrible because of the sheer senselessness in the way it was fought. Thousands of men were lost just to gain a few feet of ground, which would often be lost the next day. There was no concept of modern warfare – it was organized chaos.

One of the Canadian soldiers who fought in the First World War was Fred Albright, a prominent young lawyer from Calgary, Alberta. He met a woman named Evelyn and they began writing each other quite frequently. They married in 1914; three years later Fred was killed at the battle of Passchendaele.

Their correspondence both before and during their marriage represents an enormous volume of personal documentation. Together, they wrote over 550 letters covering a wide range of topics. Even after Fred died, Evelyn continued to write him in a effort to deal with her grief.

This incredible glimpse into history would have been lost forever but for the efforts of a library assistant who discovered the letters while working at the Archives and Research Collections Centre in the D.B. Weldon Library at the University of Western Ontario. Fascinated by the letters, she painstakingly transcribed and edited their contents so that they could be posted to a website entitled: An Echo in My Heart.

By the way, the assistant is my mother.

You may go back in time here….

Remembering The Wall

Image result for berline WallTwenty years ago, the wall came a-tumblin’ down in Berlin. Bewildered East Berliners flowed into the west, marvelled at the material delights, then returned to their drab homes. About a year later, in the greatest act of single-sourcing in history, East and West Germany were merged into a single entity.

I was lucky enough to have seen the wall only three years earlier, in 1986. Berlin was one of the many stops of my grand tour of Europe: 22 countries in 60 days. I remember scrambling to the top of an observational platform near the wall. I, along with about 20 other insane college students, crammed together at the top, where we could easily see over to the other side. We saw the wall on our side, a “no-man’s land” strip about 300 feet wide, and finally the wall on the East German side, where East German soldiers laughed at our packed-together motley crew.

If you had told me that three years later these walls would be gone, I would have said: “Yeah, right. And someday all the world’s computers will be magically connected, everyone will have their own portable phone, and you’ll be able to buy TVs 3″ thick and 52″ in diameter. Like that’s ever gonna happen…”

Many people don’t realize the two walls ran not only through a city but through the entire country. I wonder what happened to all the concrete? It would have been tough to recycle it.

Off the Wall

We must be thankful to live a country that has no walls to imprison its people. (Except for the ones in jail, of course.) However, there all walls of other sorts. The walls that wreak havoc in our profession are the ones blocking the free flow of information. Companies build virtual walls (or silos) around their various departments, resulting in misinformation, disinformation, inconsistent information, little information or no information being circulated amongst the employees.

In software companies, a business unit for a specific product can be comprised of developers, QA testers, marketers, salespeople, trainers, technical writers and product managers. How often do these people communicate with each other and share information? If they’re not communicating, they are building – building the wall.

So I say to these workers, and to the company presidents, vice-presidents, CEOs, and managers at all levels:

Tear down these walls!

Bailing Out On History

Image result for big three automakersIt’s not a fun time to be working for the Big Three, soon to be the Small Three, Two, One or None. Ford, Chrysler and General Motors are fighting for their lives, receiving government bailouts in the billions – that’s billions with a B, as in Bloody Big.

When you take the first letters of the these three companies (F.C.G.M.) it makes a cute little acronym: Failed Cars, Godawful Management. You have to wonder how such highly paid managers deduced that higher gas prices mean building bigger, less fuel efficient cars.

Of course, now other struggling industries are lining up at the trough. Where will it end? It’s time to take a trip down memory lane and look at all the failed communications industries and technologies over the years and see what they would have to say today.

Papyrus Manufacturers (3500 B.C.) We work hard to make paper out of trees. And now these new guys are coming along making better, smoother paper out of fibres. Talk about paperwork – it’s just not fair! We need lots of paper money to save our paper.

The Union of Quill Pen Makers (3500 B.C.) Damn those ballpoint pen makers! They make a pen that you don’t have to continually dip in ink – where’s the fun in that? Our industry is going straight to the birds!

Block Printers (200 A.D.) The movable type industry has decimated our business. If we don’t get help, thousands of block-heads will lose their jobs.

Movable Type Printers (1040 A.D) This is Mr. Gutenberg. I’ve spent years inhaling the lead fumes from the movable type blocks I’ve made, and let me tell ya, there’s nothing like it. But now these new printing processes are coming along and putting me out of business. I may have to lay off my my maid, my cook, and even my mistress. I need help!

Lithographers (1796) We’re still around, but mostly for big printing projects. Everyone seems to have their own printer now. Tell your local politician to support Proposition 300: Ban the colour blue from private use!

Mimeograph Makers (1876) / Ditto machine (1923) / Thermofax (1950s) – We’re all getting killed by those new photocopying machines. But we’re worth saving, because we’ve got the one thing they don’t: that wonderful smell. Mmmmm – chemical fumes…..

Typewriter Manufacturers (1850s onwards) – Why would anyone want to buy a computer? They crash, they’re too complicated, and they don’t make the wonderful clickety-clack sound that our machines do. Trust us, they’ll never succeed.

Word Processing Machines (1970s onwards) – Like the typewriter guys said, no one is going to want to buy a full blown computer when a dedicated word processing machine will do. Besides, 12 point Courier is all the font you need.

Newspapers and Magazines (1600s onwards) – God, it’s brutal out there. We’ve had to lay off thousands of people. Don’t people read anymore? Oh yeah, there’s that new thing around. Whadya call it again? The Internet? Yeah, like that’ll last…

Failed Software, Hardware and Computer Companies (1960s-present) – Microsoft bad. We good. Give us money.

* * *

If you still support bailing out the Big Three, then I’d say start up a petition – using a quill pen on papyrus, of course.